dorothy

Dorothy: I'm just so confused because. . .well sometimes he's really cute and other times he's really ugly? In his Facebook pictures? So I don't know if I like him. Because, sometimes he's cute. But other times he's not. It's just. . .weird? It's scary. I'm scared. Your sweater makes you look fat.

---pan to individual interviews with Alice, Mary and Susan---

Alice: Dorothy is dumber than full fat whipped cream on top of a whole milk frappucino.

Mary: Dorothy is a stupid bitch who processes thoughts slower than Alice does when she hasn't eaten in a few days . . . yeah, I know.

Susan: I think Dorothy's a little retarded. And I mean that in a socially correct way. Like, I think she has brain damage. Really. I'm not just being mean. Like maybe her umbilical cord choked her a little when she was being born? I mean, she doesn't mind when I call her retarded, so. . . stop judging me, you have no right to. This is defamation.

Alice: We keep her around because she's pretty and her boobs are proportionate to her waist, and . . .well. If she were set loose, she would probably steal our boyfriends on accident. She has that ditzy thing going for her. But, she's not faking it. But, I mean. . .she's right about your sweater. You might want to give that to the poor Jehovah's Witnesses. They come to my door all the time and try to find Jesus or something. And I'm just like, sorry guys, Jesus doesn't live in my house because he is in heaven? Like, duh, shouldn't they know that? So I just feel bad and sometimes I give them my old heels because their shoes are so vom. I'm sure they would appreciate your sweater. You really should be charitable, because it's Thanksgiving, and even the Pilgrims gave their food to the Indians on Thanksgiving.

susan on fame

Susan: I mean, I don't even want to be famous. Because I'm sure if I get famous, someone will stalk me and murder me while I'm weeding my organic heirloom tomato garden or something. Because I have high cheekbones. And all murdered starlets had high cheekbones. I know everyone says that high cheekbones are like, gorgeous, but they don't know the constant fear I live in. It's a curse, really. Beauty and tragedy go hand in hand, you know.

susan at the bmv

Susan: For a while, I was going to go all e.e. cummings and totally stop capitalizing my name so that people would recognize me as susan sade instead of Susan Sade. It's like, capitalization is for commoners. The common people need the capital letters to prove to themselves that they're special. Like, okay you're a proper noun now. Whatever. By like not capitalizing your name though, it's like you're saying "Yeah, I'm just a lowkey noun. I don't need to prove to everyone that I'm important." And like, because of that, you are so important. Like sooo important. Like when Oprah goes to Costco. Or like when Ryan Gosling does anything, ever. It's like, wow. You know? But anyways, then I decided that signing my name in all lower case was too hard. I mean, hello, I've only been practicing my autograph since age 7, it's not like I can change it now. So that's why I need to legally change my name again.