By this point, you guys may have already realized that I have a bit of a penchant for having a giggle at others' expense. Yes, it's totally terrible to titter at oddly dressed people at Walmart, and it's also sooo wrong to laugh while naked spa-goers are shot down the side of a ski hill, but let's be honest you guys, people are f-ing hilarious! Like if I lived on Earth with only animals. . .nope, actually animals are really funny too (click here to watch squirrels fight! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGhZHlpSE6k It's funny cause squirrels are, you know, cuddly and shiz). But anyways the Youtube vid on the top is one of the foremost BEST, MOST BALLIN examples of hilarious people ever. It's all real, you guys. These people are at various Santa Cruz community meetings and every little quirk, idiosyncrasy and awkward stupidness about them makes me want to totally jet on over to Santa Cruz. Just so I could totally show the video to people, and then they would laugh, and then I would be all, "You guys, I totally LIVE BY that person. And they like to cross dress on the weekend. And they play Warhammer." It would be AWESOME! Haha, Warhammer, remember those announcements after school for Warhammer Club? Hahah. Just laughin at others' expense. . .I'm totally going to hell you guys.
2. Pop Rocks
When I was little, my teeth were all sorts of fucked up. Like if you peered into my mouth, you would be all woaaah, third world country, but then you'd step back and there I was wearing spankin new Gap overall shorts (hellz ya!), and you'd realize your mistake. Part of the reason why my teeth were ghettofied was because there was this totally BITCHIN CANDY STORE like 3 minutes from my house in Anderson and my babysitter would always take us there and buy us sooo much candy. Like I knew about as many types of candy as most kids knew pokemon (which was a ton, because suburban kids of '95-'00 really started getting cultural and shiz because all of a sudden Japanese animation was like, "the thing." Think dragon ball z you guys). But among the baby bottle pops, wax lips, nerds rope, rock candy, there was the most BALLIN CANDY EVER. You guys, Pop Rocks. It's like tiny explosions of joy, peace and happiness in your mouth. But not only that, eating Pop Rocks made me feel hardcore as hell, when my mouth was all crackly I felt like I could definitely bust a cap up someone's ass. I suppose it was like the equivalent to being a skater nowadays. In order to be fresh as hell in '99, you had to pour some Pop Rocks down your throat and then have people listen to you crackle intimidatingly. In order to be fresh as hell now, you have to own a skateboard and wear your ghetto hat at an angle. And spit rhyme like L'il Wayne intimidatingly, even though technically I don't think many suburban kids really know that much about starting off hustling and then ending up balling. I think '99 was a lot cooler. Pop Rocks Rule!3. Sledding
So generally I am not the biggest fan of winter. Not to exaggerate or anything, but winter is like Mother Nature joined a gang and bought an AK-47 in order to deliver a personal assault on my happiness and then it's death by large puffy coats, static-y hair and excess blubber.
But YOU GUYS, SLEDDING ROX. Sledding is like telling winter "Fuck yeah, I am sliding over you! I am totally not miserable and am also using you to my advantage! And I'm havin fun!! IN YOUR FACE!" But even more than it is revenge, sledding is like a freeing of the soul/a great workout. Somehow, when you're sledding, face planting doesn't hurt as much, and runny noses slip by unnoticed. You don't really care what you look like, you only care that you totally take out as many tots as possible as you whoosh down the hill and 7-years-olds are crawling up the hill. Sometimes snow goes down your pants though and then you're all, whoa, awkward. . .except maybe it's just karma because those poor 7-year-olds still haven't made it up the hill yet.
Another thing is car sledding! Basically, it's like water skiing except for trade the water for snow, and trade the boat for a car. I actually think it's illegal, but it's pretty fabbity and adrenaline-rush-inducing. Don't do it, you guys!. . .unless you want to ;) (Ew aren't winky faces so unnecessarily randy? it's like they're saying "I'm thinking about you naked" which is so raunch, but you guys, I promise I'm not thinking about you naked.)
4. Flash Mobs
You guys! I would be so psyched out of my mind to be part of a flash mob! What is a flash mob, you ask? Well basically all these people (strangers pretty much) get together and do something stupid (stupid good, not stupid bad--stupid bad meaning car sledding) and then they all leave. It's something like this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k . Doesn't that just make you go, THAT'S SO COOL! Basically, it's just so out of the ordinary, and you totally brighten up people's days, and then they have a cool story to tell at the dinner table instead of watching TV. And then they have a family board game night. And then they start wearing matching sweaters and Keds. And then before you know it, you just turned the Osbournes into the Brady's. All because of a flash mob!!
5. Watching Snowflakes Land on Your Windshield
Ah! This is so freakin dope you guys! Okay so despite the fact that I know that, while driving, most of you guys are probs boppin to a little bit of Gaga, or if you're hipster and shiz, perhaps a sprinkling of Neutral Milk Hotel. Or even a bit of Drake if you wanna hear his super sexy smooth voice try to lure you into his bed. Next time you're stopped on one of Mason-Montgomery's insanely long stoplights though, and it's snowing, casually watch as snowflakes land on your windshield to the beat of your favorite tunes. Because snowflakes shouldn't be called snowflakes, you guys. They should be called snow flowers. Like everyone's all "Where did the flowers go," because you know, there aren't many flowers out when it's 10 degrees outside, but YOU GUYS, THEY'RE JUST CHILLIN ON YOUR WINDSHIELD, waitin to shine. In truth, they put those chippy paper snowflakes to shame. Real snowflakes > scissors + paper + 6-year-old on ADD meds.
But be warned you guys, only do this when you're stopped. Because it gets really mesmerizing to watch them, and then next thing you know you're going 50 mph in a 25 zone and either the cops pull you over or you accidentally flatten a granny attempting to ride her bicycle with a kitten in the basket. Who knows why she's riding a bike when it's snowing, but just be careful.
It's really calming, seriously. So next time your sister's hamster poops all over your carpet and your brand new bedazzled booty jeans, just go on a drive and watch the snowflakes.
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