i'm a mothafucking FONT SNOB! (sing to the tune of "monster"--the part where nicki raps "i'm a mothafucking monsta!")

OMG YOU GUYS.

Today, I was reading these blogs written by my peers here at school, and I was maaaaaaad judging them for the fonts that they chose. It's like, I don't care that you raised money for Mexican orphanages or that you discovered that Tyrannosaurus Rex still survives in remote areas of the Florida marshes--it's absolutely inappropriate and unforgivable that you have a Tumblr (aka, the most quintessential example of hipsterdom), yet chose to use TREBUCHET (aka, the font of preteen AIMers, as you'll witness below) as the font in which you write down your most World Wide Web-worthy thoughts.

DO YOU WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY PEERS?!  It's basically like you jetted off to the Australian outback but then spent the entire time chilling on a lavish toilet. Like yeah, you're totally still in Australia on a great toilet, but that is not the purpose of going to Australia. Likewise, yeah it's awesome that you're even on Tumblr (at least you demonstrate some understanding of contemporary technological savvy) but dear lord, Trebuchet on Tumblr?! I used Trebuchet as my 8th grade AIM font when I flirted with boys who wore pink polos with popped collars. Think about that Yale undergrad bloggers! Do you want to be held in the same realm of being as 8th grade teenyboppers? I think not. But if you do, I mean I guess that's chill too.

Here is trebuchet font:

But  perhaps I can't expect everyone to have the same adequacy for font choosing as I do. Sigh, being a font prodigy is just soooo difficult sometimes. Being ahead of the curve is just so emotionally trying and exhausting. Hehehhehe this is code for: get on my level betchezzz!

But even if you are not a typeface topnotcher like me, you are still in good company:



I mean, let's be real here y'all: whose stupid ass idea was it to use CENTURY GOTHIC AS TRAILER FONT FOR SUCH CRAZY SHIT AS JANE EYRE?! I saw this trailer before I watched How Do You Know (don't watch it, it's a terrible movie) and literally almost threw my extra butter popcorn on the couple in front of me after I saw the font on that trailer. Thank god I love saturated fats too much to waste them. But seriously guys! I used Century Gothic in my 9th grade presentation on the My Lai Massacre! I mean, in hindsight that was also inappropriate, I guess Century Gothic isn't really compatible with mass murder. . .

PS, to understand how you're supposed to sing the title of this post (the actual lyric is in the last 10 seconds):



PPS I hope everyone reading this post is taking it seriously. Because we as a collective force of mankind cannot rest until the day when font ignorance is remedied! Forget the progress of international criminal courts! Forget the hungry 5 year olds in Vietnam! Forget that Haiti is still in ruins even a year later! The day when Trebuchet GTFO Tumblr, that will be the day when humanity can truly be at peace. We pray for you unsavvy Tumblr users, we pray for you.