It's been a while since I list formatted this shit, and I think it's about time I honored my start-up tradition. . .considering my whiny paragraph mode is really starting to desiccate my jellyfish (just made that shat up, haaay).
1. Free Water
Okay. So real life is that I am a sweater. Not in the sense that I am woolly and have a giant reindeer sewn on me, but in the sense that I tend to sweat easily. It's okay though, because I sweat in very typical locations--fortunately I am not a butt sweater. To all my dear butt sweaters reading this post. . .it's totally chill that you butt sweat. Just stay vigilant! Cause after your workout you'll be feeling all slimmy slim and sexalicious, and then you'll be sitting on the sidewalk, feeling like a sex god and stretching out the ole hammies, and then next thing you know, you stand up and there is a giant wet butt print on the ground. NOT CUTE. And definitely not sexalicious. Don't let it kill your swag though! Just. . .don't sit down. Cause for 2 summers of my life, I thought my cross country teammates had serious post-run bladder control problems.
Anyways, my non-butt sweating means that a.) my mascurrra needs to hold up if I'm getting low in da clubs--a 24/7 event (see below for a rare, publicly-released glimpse of me sweating like the mofo that I am, and my mascara running like Steve Prefontaine) and b.) free water has its special place in my heart. For homeostatic purposes (anatomy reference, HOLLA!) I've bummed so much free water out of ice cream stands, bartenders and little kids' lemonade stands, they should call me Sea Cucumber cause I be rollin in the h2o.
TOO HOT. Literally though. Click to zoom in for more grisly detail. You sick people.
2. Ryan Mecum's Twitter
For those of you who are waaay behind on the important things in life, Ryan Mecum is the author of such literary greatness as Zombie Haiku, Werewolf Haiku and Vampire Haiku. He was also one of my YoungLife leaders and I also ran into him at the doctor's office when I was about to get my blood drawn. He has cute children. Anyways--Ryan Mecum's Twitter is full of BRILLY HAIKUS. Literally. . .his Twitter is my favorite Twitter account right after Lord Voldemort's.
He's typed up such gems as:
-Oscar the Grouch screams, / the garbage truck compacter / crushing his felt skull.
-Like an odd splinter, / the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man / stepped on a human.
-Lit cigarette butts / thrown from cars on the highway – / man-made shooting stars.
-Elderly women, / losing their arthritis fight, / dream about flying.
-On calculators, / fifty-eight thousand and eight / makes ten-year-olds laugh.
Visit his Twitter for more tricks and treats: http://twitter.com/#!/MecumHaiku
Also, as a sidenote of pride, I present to you my own haiku featured on his Twitter. It's about my complicated relationship with yoga: her head on the mat / deep breathing in child's pose / out pops a loose fart @MecumHaiku this is my attempt. #yogaisforposers
3.Watching Track Meets
Is it just me, or is everyone feeling like winter is turning out to be more depressing than that moment when you realize that Paris Hilton is 30? (I know! Holy bicycle spoke, amirite?!)
It's like, all that snow and salt starts piling up and then all of a sudden, you're just like GMTFOOHBIJRTSMMPBLC,ETTRABIBTOSAJCP,W? (aka, Get Me The Fuck Out Of Here Because I Just Realized That Salt Makes My Pleather Boots Look Cheap, Even Though They Really Are Because I Bought Them On Sale At J C Penney, Wut?). Some people call this Seasonal Affective Disorder, also known as SAD, but I just call it Food And Tears, also known as FAT.
However, the one thing that does seem to pull me out of my Hershey's Kisses-induced melancholic stupor is watching track meets. The ones on Youtube are pretty thuggin--watching Usain Bolt totally kill the 100m dash makes me want to make small differences in my life, like eating grapefruit instead of cheese puffs. And sleeping until 10:35 instead of 10:45. Fetus steps you guys, fetus steps.
What's even more exciting than watching Olympic athletes race though, is watching my bootylicious suitemate Amanda kill her competition at her indoor track meets. Which she does. Regularly. Girlfrand takes prisoners.
Literally, this is one of the most difficult things I'd ever done because I tried removing it with q-tips and toilet paper. And so it always started out looking fierce and then went to shit! It was totally the stone to my Sisyphus. The Sauron to my Frodo. The Sue to my Mr. Schue. Don't stop me.
But good news fellow nail varnish aficionados! Here's the key to quick polish removal: cotton rounds. Seriously ladies (and gentlemen, if that's what you're into), stock up on cotton rounds. They'll rock your world more than solid food did when you were an infant.
5. The Idea of Sleep Masks
Sleep masks are totally glam. They make you feel elegant and quirky and very Holly Golightly-ish. But have you actually tried sleeping in that shit? Impossible. It's like, I just want my eyelids to be free and emancipated!
YAY! i've been waiting for the day you would come back to your lists !
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