Forks are hands down the most bitchin utensil on the planet. Spoons, knifes, gaywad poser SPORKS, chopsticks, hands--all of y'all ain't got shit on forks. Listen you guys--forks can be used to stab things (thus you can eat chicken nuggets, cantaloupe, paaaaaaaasta, cheese cubes, whatev), forks can be used to scoop things (rice, ice cream, beans, whatev). Uhm, hellllooooo totally just covered almost every food group. Forks can even cut. Every morning, I either sit down to a little bit of some old-fashioned, homemade Toaster Eggos or bit of fried eggage. And trust, all I ever need is a fork. Knives are for prissy people and for balding fattish men who need to look like every meal they eat could be steaks. NEWSFLASH, Toaster Eggos and steak are on opposite sides of the food spectrum.
I was at a pretty ghetto Chinese restaurant the other day (downtown Mason, you know all those bitches and hoes be bustin caps up asses in the dark alleyways), and I sat down to my rice and garlic chicken. I looked around for some chopsticks or a spoon, and I saw that they only offered napkins and . . . FORKS! Listen you guys, this Chinese restaurant set the bar for me, if I can use a fork to eat an entire meal there, I can handle only having a fork and no other utensils for the rest of my life. Soup will have to be slurped and steak cut with the sheer edge of my teeth, but it's totally worth it.
Forks rule!
2. This Outfit that Eva Mendes Wore
Okay so first of all, DO YOU SEE THAT TOTALLY HOT BOW/HIP RUFFLE SHE'S ROCKING? Oh my god, that part of her otherwise simple white dress freakin busts the cap of the lid of life. Because it's so overwhelming, she looks smaller and tinier and HOTTER! Because small and tiny is hot. And it's so amazing. And the white makes her skin look like she is made of sparkly cinnamon!! Ugh, I adore it.
Here's what's more. While this dress could totally make her look like a hot virginal bride, that bitchin piece of art around her neck totally screams "I HAVE SEX WITH RICH MEN. AND ALSO I AM THE REINCARNATED QUEEN NEFERTITI." The turquoise further makes her look sparkly and tan and hot.
Basically Eva (who is sexy, I get it, but I never thought she was that pretty) looks like an uber-bitchin hot goddess bride compared to the broke down hoe behind her who seems to be rocking a fat girl prom dress with shoes Sabrina Spellman would wear in her early Harvey days. Although I do like the lavender.
3. www.ultimate-guitar.com
I've been inspired to play more guitar, so I got out my hand-me-down electric guitar that I like to pretend is acoustic and changed the high E string and tuned it and everything! And then, because I was having a Taylor Swift craving, I typed in www.ultimate-guitar.com and spent a few hours in heaven. No, seriously, Ultimate Guitar is like Wikipedia for those who care about guitar music rather than random facts. People submit tabs and chords and other cool things that they've figured out for certain songs and artists, and it rocks! Check it out if you like guitaring around.
4. "Dream" by Priscilla Ahn
This song is absolutely tootin and beautiful.
Favorite lines:
Long walks in the dark through woods grown behind the park,
I asked God who I'm supposed to be.
The stars smiled down on me,
God answered in silent reverie.
I said a prayer and fell asleep.
It's really mellow and kind of philosophical, and you'll like it if you like dreamy, acousticy songs (which I love!). It may be a touch to sentimental and mushy for people into Weezy shit. Seriously though, check it out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKfDwChOoHI
5. http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/
Sometimes this website makes me feel like a terrible piece of shit because i would totally wear some of those outfits. but nevertheless, it's good for a good giggle. but then you also feel kind of bad because you're, you know, totally laughing at people. It's whatever.
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