conversation

AT (super) WALMART, shopping for BRUNCH:

Mary: Look, there's Bisquick, reduced-fat Bisquick and gluten-free Bisquick. What do you want? (She starts grabbing the reduced-fat Bisquick)

Alice, smacking Mary's hand away: Gluten-free Bisquick. Everyone I know who has Celiac's disease is gorgeous and you can see their collar bones. I swear it's because they can't digest wheat products. Let's pretend we have Celiac's disease from now on!

Mary: No. You can't even drink vodka if you have Celiac's disease!

Alice: Oh my gosh, you totally can! All the wheat protein is distilled out of it! That's why it has zero calories!

Mary: What?

Alice: Yeah, vodka's a clear liquid, so it's zero calories. Like water. That's why Lindsay Lohan is so skinny--she only drinks vodka.

Mary: Oh my god. Shut your mouth right now Alice before someone in this Walmart hears you and tries to con you into marrying them so they can get citizenship. Lindsay Lohan is skinny because she does cocaine. A shot of vodka has 60 calories. Alice, vodka makes you fat.

Alice, grabbing Mary's hand and dragging her to the produce aisle: Drop the gluten-free Bisquick. We're eating grapefruit and cocaine for brunch.

Mary: Well eating cocaine would probably give you bowel problems like Celiac's disease. So win-win for you Alice.