i am a sunglasses whore

If I see another pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarers, I'll throw an infant into the dolphin petting tank at Sea World.**

While I'll admit that Ray-Bans have a really cool ad campaign (see below),

Ray-Ban Wayfarers have become far more than just mainstream. They have become soul sucking unoriginal eye-protecting leaches of lost creativity. College students, who are supposed to be at the epitome of originality, are losing all their street cred by wearing these as a collective. Because the sad thing about Ray-Ban Wayfarers is that people wear them because they THINK that they are being really cool and original and Rachel Bilson-y (it's an adjective now) and Hollywood Indie Glammy Glam, but actually they are just being a 1950s housewife wearing a full skirt, AKA totes conformist and probs pregnant. (That last part is a joke, unless we're dealing with college girls who have made a pregnancy pact, in which case they probably are pregnant.)

Also all the five dollar plastic wayfarer knockoffs that you find at mall kiosks and Claire's make me wanna puke--guys, that shit doesn't even give you UV protection! Also they're most definitely kind of hideous. Humans over the age of 10 and a half shouldn't wear these! Especially not college men:

Instead of taking the easy way out, why don't we find other totally cute options for sunglasses? Look at Leighton Meester, look at Rachel Bilson! Big frames? Sorta cat eye? Chloe Tilias.

There are so many lovely options out there in eye wear--take YOUR stance ladies and gentlemen, don't fall into the Wayfarer vortex just because it's what Robert Pattinson does. I mean, you don't wanna be a vampire just because he's a vampire, amirite? Oh, wait. . .I forgot, our country is ruled by 13 YEAR OLD GIRLS AND MENOPAUSAL MOMS GRASPING FOR YOUTH. As evidenced by the fact that Harry Potter 7 Pt. 1 only had the third highest all time midnight opening gross, behind fucking Twilight: New Moon and Twilight: Eclipse. 

Seriously America, let's get our priorities straight and do the math here: Breaking Dawn was just as sappy and disgusting as the epilogue of Harry Potter. Except it was an entire fucking book America. 756 pages of utter craplicious crap that made me hate the entire series (except for the first book, because let's be honest, I wanted my own Edward Cullen after that, but I digress)!!!!!!! And thus, wands + wizards > Edward + Bella. 

"GET ON MY LEVEL." - JK Rowling to Stephenie Meyer. 

** 1. My mom almost did this when I was 12. This Latina lady holding her baby took my spot at the dolphin petting exhibit at Seaworld, so my mom went all Naomi Campbell on her and litz almost threw that baby into the tank.
     2. It's okay, babies are fine in water.