yoga newbie

Today, beyonceklone (that's me! In case you guys never realized my totally accurate blogger name. . .) tried doing yoga for the first time. It's all part of the grand plan to make my life as interesting as possible. So does yoga automatically make one interesting and sophis (I'm trying to make sophis happen, just go with it) and possess that je ne sais quois that increases one's charm factor?

After an hour of intense in-my-head-cursing and attempting to breathe in sync with every song on the Garden State soundtrack, I say this: HELL NO!

First, let's discuss the lies and shit factors of yoga:

A.) Child's pose? Scam!! Don't let this cutey cute name fool your lazy ass--this "pose" does not involve curling on the ground in fetal position, a la children who are terrified of the world, as I expected. Instead, it is a grueling stretch that ultimately makes you look like a human version of the aforementioned Yeti Crab. It also involves some apprehensive forehead/mat action that made me question the multitudes of bacteria who called my mat their humble abode and also whether I should maybe invest in some Proactiv due to my fears of zits (I also fear Cheezits, because they are actually just disgusting). Also, child's pose forces your face into this tiny little cavern created by your arms and chest and if you are claustrophobic a tiny bit and had always had trouble playing Heads Up Seven Up in school because it was hard to keep your head down and then others accused you of being a cheater and then wouldn't play with you, then you would have trouble with this shit too.

B.) Would Zach Braff approve that I am cursing Downward Facing Dog to the sound of his smooth Garden State soundtrack? Probs not, probs not.

C.) Fucking Downward Facing Dog. Jesus Christ, forget waterboarding, make all the bitches at Guantanamo Bay do 20 minutes of this shit and let's see if we have any more terrorist attacks.

D.) While I was struggling to keep my right leg up while my butt was in the air, some chick was doing a headstand. How is that normal? How is that fucking normal?!

Fun Fact Not Dealing with Anger Directed at Yoga: My suitemate sings Paper Planes to herself when she's trying to calm down in times of political turmoil. It prevents her from writing aggresive Facebook statuses about the Tea Party. MIA representtttt biznatches.

In all reality though, I've never been so damn chipper as I was after yoga. I'm going back. And I will eventually learn how to do a headstand. And become "that bitch." It's good to set goals in life.