to feel infinite

Adjustment causes me to feel completely disoriented sometimes. Usually, I'm like ". . .what?" but recently, I've been like ". . .what?" plus like people are calling me Peggy and overall it's just like I've been thrown into a whirlpool but I'm not like drowning or anything, I'm kind of just whizzing around listening to people call me Peggy and being like ". . .what?" all at the same time.

It's crazy cause I mean, I'm supposed to reap the advantages of being here and being part of something amazing, but right now I'm kind of just like, everybody should just GTFO of my personal space, I wanna be back in Ohio sitting on my driveway at midnight by myself and eating fruit that is not ridiculously priced, ya know? It's like, I feel all at once claustrophobic and lost at sea. I'm sure I feel how Nemo felt when he was thrown into the new fish tank. Except not quite as traumatizing, because let's be honest, it's not like Ohio is the Great Barrier Reef and my new dorm room, although quite wet at times (because it's been raining, get your mind outta the gutter!!!!), isn't exactly a fish tank.

I'm not quite sure what I need at this point? I feel like this summer I felt infinite every day--I had no responsibilities except to go out and achieve what I told myself I would achieve. I didn't have to meet any expectations and no one was really competing with me for anything. And that, my dear pally pals, I think was a dollop of true freedom. Here, although freedom is totally touted, I feel so much pressure to be extraordinary that freedom is destroyed sorta.

Don't get me wrong: I love it here, I just haven't found my footing yet. And I don't know if my footing will come when I'm super busy with extracurriculars and service projects (I like to be running around everywhere and helping plan stuff) or when I finally find a quiet place in nature where I can just lay down and ponder the stars and think about God or something**.

(**I'm not a religion, but I've always been very interested in learning about religion. I believe in God, but consider him more as a chill dude who listens to me ponder and also gently reveals a self-actualized pathway that I sometimes forget about because the clutter of current materialism blinds me and everything. I've been really lacking in this deep connection with God because everyone is all up in my grill here!)

But anyways, that's life. I'm feeling really. . .stifled right now. And like "What should I be doing with my life??" mode, ya know?

It may just be because I'm pissed off that I ate a box of fruit I paid 9 dollars for. Those Gourmet Heaven fuckers.

I just wanna feel infinite!!!!!

PS. So this photo is called Leap Into the Void by Yves Klein, and it's one of my favorite photos (my real favorite is called Dali Atomicus). I can't remember if I've shared it with the blog yet, so . . .here it is. I like it, but at the same time, it still reflects my feelings of being stifled because even though he's falling and being infinite, he's still on a small street. The ground is too close.